Tag Archives: Spouse

Why we forget what we want to remember; but remember more which we want to forget!

Difficult to remember or fear to forget! Source: http://www.flickr.com/

Does it not happen to you often what you want to remember for sure, you are more likely to forget; but the opposite does not happen for what you really want to forget – it haunts you more?

There are countless real life examples. You suddenly cannot remember name of known persons or places. You forget some words or spellings at a time, you need most! Minds of students become blank, while answering a question in examination, which they had precisely prepared well for.

Your boss has called you for annual review and you put down on a piece of paper all points of your accomplishments. When you come out after meeting with boss, you realize that you had overlooked half of those points! You have to deliver a speech in a conference and work hard to prepare. Harder you prepare, easier would you forget key points to speak.

On other hand, one fine morning before leaving for work, you have argument with your spouse for spending too much money on shopping. You would not be able get over the duel while driving on road, making it unsafe. On reaching office, you decide firmly to forget morning incidence; but you would lose your cool with your sub-ordinates, since morning duel keeps playing at back of your mind.

Why our memory fails at right moment but serves extra well at wrong one!

When we first memorize what we want to remember is in its pure form. See, what generally happens subsequently when we don’t want to forget it:

  1. Our first suggestion to mind to remember and not to forget is registered in our memory as “same information again with emphasis”.
  2. 2nd reminder registers it with a kind of stress.
  3. 3rd reminder accompanies usually with our perception of consequences for not remembering it.
  4. Then, we start to fear for possible consequences.
  5. So, when time comes to recall that information, our mind is loaded or preoccupied, making retrieval more difficult!

This is how purity of original information degrades.

Now, look at what we do to “What we want to forget”:

  1. What is that we want to forget – bad incidences, bad dream, wrong thought, worse scene, random ideas, irrelevant information and so forth!
    By the time we come to a stage of wanting to forget any of above, it takes full circle and make its firm mark in our mind.
  2. Having decided to forget, it is rare that a person would not remember it again. Most people recall often to check whether they have forgotten it! Moment they do this, it dives deeper in their memory!! 
  3. All of above incidences or information are associated with our anger, anxiety, disappointment, denial, obsession, repulsion or irritation, which are essentially past negative emotions.
    Emotions are like cache memory of a computer in our brain. When our mental state is negative, the said emotions also pop-up and refresh that we want to forget.
  4. Normally, things that you want to forget fade over time, when your older biases i.e. emotions get superseded by new ones. But, you have to then struggle with new ones. 

From above, you can observe that spontaneous response of our mind is reverse of what you should be doing and hence, struggle in remembering or forgetting!

Managing to forget is far more challenging than mastering to remember!

Ability to consciously forget, though more complex, makes mind and memory far sharper than capacity to remember!

We have lot of options to remember – memorize by practicing, making hard or soft notes. But, options to forget – nothing! 

You frequently read about – to let go and forgiveness. These are flimsy or even fake, unless you have the ability to forget! Another extremely important thing every leader or preacher advocates is to live in present! People are hardly able to do that, because they are unable to forget past!!

How best to remember and forget, when you want to

To remember on time, here below is what you can do:

  • Make hand written legible notes.
    Note, writing by own hands creates stronger impression in mind. Chances are you may not even have to see your notes again. But, beware and be wary of making notes of too many things!
  • Alternatively, you can make soft notes on your mobile, notepad or computer.
  • Best option is to make mental note only once and link to the image of object, with which it is directly related. May be supplement it by abbreviated hand written note. And then, just don’t worry whether you would remember or forget; believe that heaven will not fall on earth, if you don’t.

To forget what you have to is much trickier and require thoughtfulness. Effective clues:

  • Easiest is to do what you love or engage yourself gainfully.
    However, this would give you temporary respite; not resolve it for good!
  • You would be much better off, if you become broad minded.
  • Real step is – come to terms with what you have to live without and believe that thing is no longer important. Losing importance of what you want to forget is the key to “Forgetting”!
    You would soon realize there is a catch in above – you can lose importance or making the thing insignificant only when you drop your past emotions at least for things you want to forget! 

Now, the most valuable information – what you want to actually forget is all out of your past memories, which have 2 parts – (a) Knowledge or information (b) emotions i.e. biases, obsession, pleasure, pain, fear or frustration. Usually, you latch on to past for fear of losing knowledge or information, which you actually don’t need to! 

So, if you keep dropping your past emotions, you have nothing to lose but only to gain great ability to remember and forget what you need to. That would take you to the top of your life!

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Nothing can be sustained in steady state; so what’s in your hands!

Calm or chaotic? Source: http://www.flickr.com/

When going is good, everyone would like it to keep going! But, then soon, you would get tired, bored or jittery, much as you would not like it happen and your rendezvous with gala time comes to an end.

You are happy that most of your customers are highly satisfied with you and believe that you can now breathe it easy. And, suddenly comes a communication from a very angry customer. This is followed by more disturbing news from other customers or your bosses or buddies.

When you thank your stars that for days, your spouse has been lovely in treating you is the time something lousy crops-up, derailing your dreamy run! When you feel proud that you have not fallen sick for months is what seems to attract a sickening month. When you think that your trouble are finally over is actually the onset of new troubles.

There are top notch organizations like Apple, Microsoft, IBM, Siemens or Dell. They have rarely been able to stabilize for long and always face risk of getting toppled by rivals or internal issues!

USA has gone strength to strength from its policies and principles of peace, democracy, secularism, civil and economic freedom; but despite foolproof security, advance warning and mock exercises, it got hit by unprecedented terror strike on 9/11, 2001; encountered great economic meltdown in 2008; it is facing threats from increasing number of religious outfits and rise of its real economic rival – China with no democracy and free market!

From above, it is clear that much as we would like it to be, nature does not allow steady state, continuous run or growth for too long! It allows all other possible alternatives to creep in and create chaos or disturbance!!

Signs that steady state can’t last long!

There are several footprints of nature that corroborate this:

  1. 2nd Law of thermodynamics
    This is highly celebrated law, which states that entropy i.e. heat energy of any body can’t remain constant. It would always increase with time. It applies to molecules of our body at micro level to universe at macro level.
  2. Our Universe is ever expanding
    Experimental observations till date suggest that universe in which we live has been expanding ever since its birth 13.8 billion years ago. We would face full scale calamities, if it ever contracts.
  3. Every particle or planet is in dynamic state
    Nothing in universe is steady or static! Idea of a steady state is only an illusion and desire for the same an impossible dream!!
    Atoms or sub-atomic particles, of which every substance or scenario is made, are constantly spinning and moving.
  4. Time is constantly moving forward
    If time was to be static, there would not be any life anywhere! It is constantly moving forward at speed of light. If arrow of time ever reverses even in a laboratory, there would utter chaos and things would go upside down.
  5. Continuous biological changes in our body
    Because of above, our body is constantly subject to changes and that leads to our aging with time.

Despite above dynamics, the only thing, which remains constant is our Mind!!! Never mistake mind as your brain. Are you surprised? But, it is true. What actually change in our mind are our observations and thoughts!

Hence, nothing holds out a higher promise or potential than your mind!

So, what in our hands?

A lot!

From foregoing, we can conclude nature loves to disturb or change, whereas we like to continue with what we love!!

How do we manage this contradiction – probably one of the biggest?

Here is the key – if you manage the opposite, you shall master the main! It is like – if you manage your weaknesses, you would automatically become strong!!

This reinforces a well-known message – “Manage Change”, but it actually comes with a master stroke of “Mastering the Steady State”! 

Disturbances, chaos or changes are of 2 types – one, which is beyond your control and second, which is within your control.

Here below are two top secrets, on which most humans flounder and blunder:

  1. Chaos or change, which is beyond your control
    Accept and appreciate!
    But never resist or react!!
    Yes; it is as simple as that to manage, yet you find it hard to do. You can break your head over what has become real; but reality remains!
    Chaos is local as well as at large. Consider local chaos as a circle with radius r. If you embrace it, r would either remain same or reduce; if you don’t, r would enlarge!
    Take an example – your dear one got hurt. If you lose your head, you would be anxious or angry and would fail to think in time the next step to alleviate her/his hurt. However, if you keep your head cool, you would swing into right action to address it.
    Nevertheless, by 2nd law of thermodynamics, if you contain or collapse local chaos, it must correspondingly increase it at large. But, that is not your headache.
  2. Chaos or change that in under your control
    Drive it right away and right way!
    But never put it away!!
    Everyone knows it; but seldom does it. Common chore is to allow it to descend and then drive into action. By then, it is generally too late. It is not that all changes are good. If random changes run down to become realities, you run the risk of facing wrong changes.

Key conclusion is – it is in your hands to shrink local circle of wrong chaos/change and swell that of right one! If you do that, it would give you steady run and stable growth!!

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How to defeat a disappointing or damning day!

When disappointment drains you! Source: http://www.flickr.com/

Sometimes you get up in the morning with not too good a feeling. You do not feel enthusiastic or excited. You feel your energy has been drained. On that day, you may experience lot of things going wrong. You would get into a tiff with your spouse or dear one/s for a trivial reason right in the morning. While preparing to leave for work, you may not find important document which you need to carry or receive an unimportant call, leaving you very irritated. On way to office, you could find this day too many red traffic signals or getting stuck in traffic. On reaching office, you may find e mails from upset customers and receive a piece of mind from your boss, which leaves you wondering what more disappointments are in the pipe line today! You somehow finish your day and retire to bed hoping that a better day would emerge tomorrow!!

Can you be sure that tomorrow morning would be better than yesterday? Normally not! If it turns out to be better, what exactly changes? Most people are unable to figure out or don’t care to figure out. They tend to defer it to their destiny or divine. But, then cycle of decent or damn days continues, so do fun and frustration!

Is it possible to start every morning with same zeal and zest, energy and excitement, hope and happiness? 

Your distress can’t decrease your disappointments; instead it increases!

When things don’t happen as per our wants, we react – why? We feel irritated or infuriated. We reject the things, if those are not right from our view point. We don’t know to accept what has already gone wrong. We rebel or remorse against the reality, if it is bitter; but rejoice, if it is sweeter! This is precisely our problem! Reality is always real, whether we accept or reject; then why treat a reality differently and relate it to our taste?

It has been drilled in our mind that wrong or unwanted things must be greeted with agony, anger or anxiety and embrace right or wanted things with ecstasy. See implications of such approach:

  1. We lean heavily on negativity and hence become prone to same.
  2. Worries or whining is like a whirlpool of distress, which can only suck you deeper! Negativity attracts negativity.
  3. It shakes your confidence and composure!
  4. It fractures your belief in prudence and propriety!
  5. It generates a bias for pessimism!

Your de-stress is key to design your day!

Everyone believes stress is natural; but that does not take away the fact that it plays havoc, regardless how powerful or poor one is! Stress defocuses and disorients you, may be by a small degree. When stress is not major, you may not notice it; but it is there in your sub-conscious mind. Silent stress is far more damaging than loud one, because latter would take you to the peak of your problems quickly and hurt you so much that you would then rush for quick healing!

Silent stress is very challenging because most people are unable to recognize it! It could be as little as a thought that my morning was not good; so now my day would not be good either. This thought is good enough to encourage you to commit a series of mistakes to draw you deeper into disappointment. That day, you are not able to manage your boss, customer, sub-ordinates or spouse as well as you do another day!

Here are few things you could practice to do to defeat an adverse day:

  1. When you get up in the morning, remind yourself that problems are part of life.
    Practical and real world is where problems are present and not absent.
  2. If anything adverse shows up, avoid reciprocating it with your reaction. Just observe and be to yourself.
    We all have learnt that reaction to wrong things is our right; but in reality, this is absurd.
  3. Carry out a simple check in morning and during day – if you are free from stress, you have to be happy; conversely, if you are not feeling happy, you ought to have stress!
    When stress is absent, your energy and excitement levels get boosted!!
  4. Like cancer virus, viruses of ego and prejudices are present in all of us and these substantially weaken our immunity to stress.
  5. Stress, which can be in form of anxiety, anger, agony, fear, frustration or obsession, is nothing but conflicts of thoughts in our mind. Source of such stress is always emotions from your past. So, live in present to live stress free!
  6. Common belief that “what does not start well will also not end well” is bunk!
    It is purely in your hands, when you want to let go your feelings from immediate or distant past. Terrible things can translate into terrific things at any point of the day, by taking a pause and redeeming yourself.
  7. If you are conscious or anxious that thing/s should not go wrong, probability is high that those would go wrong! So, your best bet is not to guess what would go right or wrong.

So, substance of the story is by linking exciting events to euphoria, you also link disappointing happenings to your distress. Drop both links; you would then gain freedom to freely design your day!

How about enjoying this freedom?

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Want to free-up your time by 50%? Follow just 5 tips fiercely!

Where the hell time is? Source: http://www.flickr.com/

“I have no time to relax!”, “Work is too taxing!!”, “I wish I had time for what I always wanted to do most!!!” and lot more things to lament for lack of time.

This is usual chore of current time. People, who work responsibly, get more responsibilities making it harder for them to get spare time. However those, who do not have responsibilities, also don’t have time!

Then, we are saddled with lopsided notions in corporate life to conserve time – multi-tasking improves productivity; dynamism means doing work faster; it is good to load employees so much that they have no time to digress!

Computerization and IT advancements have provided terrific means to save time in every field; yet all of us seem to be running short on time. Consistent with Parkinson’s Law, we have stretched ourselves to utilize time freed up by new tools and techniques for doing what we should, as also what we should not! Despite all modern means to rejig the way we do our work, we have not rejigged the most powerful tool we possess – our mind!

Here are 5 tips, which can shake your life, simplify your engagement and save you 50% or more time:

  1. Don’t struggle with self!
    This is a vicious virus, which eats most into your energy and time.
    When you don’t get what you want, rather than targeting causes and their effects or your efforts, you target yourself. You feel dejected and disappointed, and blame yourself. It derails your focus and damages your confidence.
    “Struggle with self” is essentially “Conflict of your thoughts”, more than 80% of which comes from your ego, envy and biases! If you would dilute or drop these 3 parameters, not only that you would stop struggling with self, you would also rediscover your energy, efficiency and speed. It would make your time far more purposeful and peaceful! It would also encourage you to trust others and delegate part of your responsibilities.
  2. Accept what it is
    We often waste lot of time by not accepting what has happened or what has become a reality. By not coming to terms with what is real, we simply get stuck, engage ourselves to challenge, argue and hence, find it hard to move forward.
    It is foolhardy to react against, remorse and recount a reality. There are several side effects of non-acceptance of “what it is” – we develop habit of guessing, grumping and gossiping. We would spend lot of time just to narrate, explain or defend things.
    Only when we accept what it is, we promptly move forward, be able to select a right response and seek a solution, if required. It saves us from frustration and fighting for what is frivolous!
  3. Don’t spend too much time on your spouse and dear ones
    Surprised at this advice? Please notice “too much…”!
    Your spouse and dear ones deserve your quality time. Quantity and quality do not go hand in hand! Real relationship requires balance between quality and quantity!
    However irony is that when you like someone, you start to give more time than desired. When you come closer than a respectable distance, your relationship develops cracks and consequently, it comes on rocks. Time spent that far goes for a toss and it would cost you a bomb of time to salvage!
    Your loved ones merit freedom, space and time! If you give that, you not only save your relationship but also time!
  4. Don’t get addicted to anything!
    You cannot imagine how your addiction to anything takes toll on your time!
    Addiction to what bad is bad; but, addiction to what is good is also bad. When you get addicted to work, you lose balance of life; when you get addicted to successes, you start to grapple with setbacks; if you become addicted to helping people, you are bound to hurt self. I am amazed to see how people confuse obsession as passion or inspiration, misunderstand addiction to work as dedication and misinterpret blind faith as facts of life! Remember, addiction brings compulsion!!
    If you start doing things as a matter of choice and not as compulsion, do what you should and not what you have to, it would rejuvenate your approach, energy and enthusiasm. You would be far more efficient and effective!
  5. Allow things to go wrong!
    It is not possible that you can control everything. What has to go wrong would go wrong in any case! Be aware that control freaks spend or smoke much more time than who are control-free!
    If you know something is going wrong but is beyond your control, then let it go wrong. I have seen people often breaking their head, without applying their head first. Where you believe your intervention or efforts would help things from going bad, make maximum of 3 attempts sincerely. If it improves, fine; otherwise let it fail.
    Do you know, sometimes things going wrong is a necessity? Look at many leaders, neighbors or peers. When they come at loggerheads, no wise counsel gets into their heads, except of a crisis! But, before such a crisis crops up, colossal amount of time and money is wasted!!
    So, it is good to go down at times, to get a better grip on you do.

Then, you can use some cherries on top of above tips – put in place things that prick you most without losing time, avoid arguments and give good time and thoughts to plan your work.

Why not try above tips, which I can assure you would work better than any modern time management tool and give you enormous freedom and free time?

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Why we have Natural Tendency to lean more on Negatives than Positives!

A charming and young lady was strolling in the garden and suddenly found a man chasing her. She got scared and thought that this person does not have good intentions. Before she could raise alarm, the man reached out to her and said you dropped your wallet few minutes back and requested her to check that all contents in the wallet were intact. The lady felt very ashamed of the thoughts, she earlier got in her mind!

That is how most of have a natural tendency – pick or fall prey to negatives more frequently than positives. If we often don’t get what we want, this tendency has a lot to do with it! We are generally aware that anything, which is negative, is not worth; yet we don’t disown or discard same, instead we keep clinging to those – negative thoughts, actions, habits and characteristics. This is rampant across all races and regions around the world!

Mandate of Nature is clear cut – if you want successes to chase you, you have no choice but to be positive in all aspects you deal!!

Look at our natural tendency

If we consciously observe, we would find that in course of everyday life, ratio of our negatives to positive thoughts is disproportionately high! Here below are some very common examples, which we keep repeating without noticing and questioning us, what we gain by doing that or how much we are losing!

  1. You have to address an audience. Thoughts like I may not perform well, I am likely to forget important points in my address, audience may not get impressed etc. would keep nagging you until you are on the stage.
  2. If you are facing series of problems, you start to believe life is no good nor is your luck!
  3. Unexpected call from a difficult boss brings immediate hackle – he is going to bang me.
  4. Boss getting a call from employees, after giving salary raises would set her/him thinking these guys are never satisfied with whatever I do and they would chew my brain to do more.
  5. Spouse suddenly showering love and praises would ring alarms in your ears – now what kind of new demand or favor in offing?
  6. Husband dropping a utensil in kitchen evokes reaction from wife at a distance – you must have broken that! Can’t you learn to be careful?
  7. Not winning business makes you rue – the customers and competitors are so difficult to deal.
  8. An astrologer forecasts that your good time for business would start from year xxx and you would have health issues from following year. You would start to worry about following year; but not feel good for the preceding one!
  9. Some naysayers predict our planet would be doomed when hit by a comet or meteor in month xx of running year and we would start looking at sky in night next day onwards and wonder what is going to happen, even if space scientists have pooh-poohed such prediction!

People whose life evolves n revolves around negativism!

Population of people with negative fervor and flair is far in excess of who are passionate about positivism!

  • Skeptics
  • Pessimists
  • Paranoid people
  • Emotional and sensitive people
  • People in hurry and haste
  • People with short temper
  • Believers of Instincts, Hunches or Gut Feelings

And many more!

The reason, why they are and would always be in majority, is that it is easy and expedient to be negative than positive, as explained below. Most of these people even know that it does not help; but the paradox is they can’t help it!

Secret behind our attraction towards Negativism

If we analyze above 9 examples or many more, we would discover that these are just a result of our thoughtless reactions! Analogous to Newton’s 3rd law of motion, for every action or situation, our mind has reaction. Note, such reactions are mostly negative!

Why our reactions are mostly negative?

Scientific research and rationale show that reactions of human mind are shaped by the emotions from past memories. Emotions reside in our mind like how cache memory does in a computer and would instantly show up, when we witness a new situation or suggestion.

Negative emotions are a plenty by definition – fear, frustration, frown, worry, whining, despondency, depression, dejection, obsession, greed, lust, prejudice etc. On the other hand, positive emotions are only a few – feeling happy, ecstasy or fantasy.

Negative emotions or thoughts are just reactions, bereft of conscious or considered views. Therefore, these are easy, handy and spontaneous. Positive emotions or thoughts or actions are just the opposite. Human tendency is to always seek comfort zones, cozy ways and this is the very cause why we fall prey to everything, which is negative!

Our leaning and liking for negatives are further accentuated by Law of attraction of identical properties, whereby negative thoughts or actions would attract more of negative ones and repel positive ones. This is how; we are trapped in vicious circle on Negativism!!

“Being Positive” as your passion!

  1. Ask yourself what your wants are?
    Are these not success, happiness and fitness on sustained basis? If yes, your only choice is to be positive and trash being negative.
    Even when you want to get power, popularity and/or prosperity, you can’t get any of these without being positive.
  2. Insinuation that negativity works is a sheer Illusion.
  3. Don’t do what most would do, as it is mostly a mistake!
  4. Route to right and good mostly would not be and need not be easy and cozy.
  5. Try to take “no action on your 1st reaction”; just hold on. Do not believe that holding on would make heaven to fall!
    This may need considerable practice and patience; but it would come.
  6. Value of past emotions is no more than that of a newspaper, which you have read and done with – scrap!
  7. Believe that being positive is not a big science. It is just thoughtfulness and consciousness that your world would be exactly the way you want to see and make. Related to this is the greatest equation of nature – “You get = What you give”, which you can’t negate or circumvent. You deliver justice, you would get one; you deliver malice, you won’t get anything less than that!

So, be a winner in every work and walk of your life by being Positive!!!

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